Surprisingly enough I got a bit depressed today. Maybe even a bit more than just a bit. Browsing my gallery out of boredom (boredom my ass, the assessment is in two days, just can't look at Illustrator anymore) I realised a terrible thing : I have not moved at all.

Around a year ago when I first started to fool around with all the abstract-uber-thingies i found by chance on someone's page (don't even remember now) the gate to the digital world literally opened. Got really into it - downloading brushes, the great search for tutorials etc. I could easily say I learnt everything on my own. No tutor to tell me what to do next, no classmate to compare myself to. And Now that I look at these works well there's much to be proud of, really. And the funniest thing is that I used to work on a falling apart rig with screen incapable of displaying the colors properly (and constantly blurred causing my eyes to pop out after a few hours). I had access to scanner usually around once a week, had to somehow split my time between learning ps tricks and learning the usual suspects - the final year is said to be pain and it most certainly is correct. But I did, it worked. I'd sit for hours, very often day after day to produce something for my upcoming portfolio and freak out at the sole thought of it being assessed. Then there goes the longest holidays, then there's the big thing.

When I started my 'higher education' I was so excited about all that - finally someone to compare myself to, finally someone to lead the way properly. Everything was there, no need to bother buddies, I finally got access to the beloved tablet. The briefs were to some extent challenging, but always seemed easy after a reread or two, since I knew what PS is all about months before I got a slight edge over most of the class. It got my As, maybe some new experience. But now that it is easier and I am required to do that instead of doing it on my own I just don't feel like it. And now looking at my previous 20-30 works : bollocks, they are not even equal, they are worse.

That made me think if I'm in the right place now. One of the 'rotips' about designing I came across the other day is : if you want to be good you gotta love what you're doing. Ironical as it seems, getting close to what I supposedly love, actually sent me further away.

And that on the other hand pushes me to one fine sentence from a certain essay : ' the most interesting people I know didn't know what to do at age of 22. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds still don't.'. That's probably the first time I'm actually considering something else, but maybe I just think too much today.
Well, if you made it to the end, that's the essay.
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